I am enough

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It has been a little over 7 months since I’ve written my last blog post.

But no, no excuses, no need for apologies and forgiveness, just life.

My priorities are and have always been my family, but sometimes even with that, self doubt begins to creep in. My house isn’t clean. I haven’t dusted for years. I’m definitely not perfect.

And then there is…

laundry at 9 PM so my husband has clean work clothes for the next day.

doing a load of dishes so that we have pots to cook in and plates to eat on, and they were needed 30 minutes ago.

burning dinner (again).

weeds and a lawn that should have been mowed 3 weeks ago.

putting on body spray because my last shower was 2…no 3 days ago…and I need to leave the house in 15 minutes.

realizing that I never got the laundry put away and all the clean clothes are gone out of the ‘clean and needs to be folded’ basket.

balancing school for my girls and school for my husband when he’s in town.

managing everything in the house, being a strong woman taking care of everything since my husband is still traveling for work and gone 4 days some weeks and working 40-50 hrs a week when he is in town.

paying bills and pinching pennies to make our money stretch as far as possible.

setting the lawn mower on fire while my husband was picking up an extra day at work to earn a little overtime. That overtime went to a new lawn mower instead of something fun.

the day when I just cannot because my auto immune diseases won’t let me.

 

Pretending to have it all together.

 

I’m a child of God, and yes that is enough in the eternal spiritual sense, but when the weight of the world is pressing in, it often doesn’t seem so. When obligations and duties pile on, it just gets to be too much.

 

A little over a month ago my husband arrived home to find a pot full of emotion.

 

He had spent the week with men only to be thrown head first into a sea of estrogen. The poor man couldn’t understand why I was crying about taking my daughter on a school field trip. But I was and at that moment, it was all that mattered.

He did the most wonderful thing. Instead of finding solutions to my ugly cry hiccup filled ramblings, he grabbed me, held me close, and let me cry and sputter on.

I apologized for crying, he stayed silent and held me a little tighter.

I apologized for getting tears on his shirt, he put my face in his shirt so it would soak them up better.

I pulled away and said I needed a kleenex, he held me in and let his shirt soak up the snot in my nose too.

I thanked him and said I was fine. Being the wise man he is, he held me longer and the tears started again.

I had been attempting to be the strong one for too long. I was trying to keep the stress of managing it all hidden from my girls. The long nights wishing my husband’s head was on the pillow beside me had taken its toll, for my best friend was not here to vent to. And when he was I didn’t want to spend our weekends adding guilt, stress, and pressure to him. I just wanted to spend our weekends together, relishing the few moments we have.

 

You could say the dam of emotions had burst and this reservoir was well stocked.

 

I had gotten so wrapped up in my failings that I forgot some of the most simple things. I was too busy running from one task to another, doing them as quickly as possible that I forgot to breathe. stop. rest.

And once I did that suddenly life didn’t seem so overwhelming.

That list of my failings? Most of it has occurred within the last month. But they don’t seem so overwhelming anymore.

Because even when living with those failings there is something much more beautiful around me.

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I have…

2 wonderful daughters who are well behaved and growing into beautiful women. What greater gift can I give them during this time of adolescence and self doubt than to show them confidence even during my shortcomings?

online friends who have become like sisters. They get me in a way that many don’t. Technology is awesome. It lets me connect, share, and cry with them when all I can manage is to move my fingers on a keyboard because my tears won’t allow words.

a wonderful friend who has loved me and listened to me when needed, but almost more importantly, just lets me be me. When I’m having that moment, she seems to know exactly what to say and what I need. Sometimes it is words, often it is just a hug or listening ear, or completely ignoring the issue so I can forget about the weight of the world for an hour.

the most amazing husband. He sees me at my worst and loves me anyway.

And the really cool part about it is that 13+ years ago, he chose me. There were other girls interested in them, he had ‘options’. My issues were different but I still had them. He saw the ugly side of me then too.

But he looked beyond that.

And picked me.

By watching his daily love for me, no matter what is going on in life, I can hold tight to one thing.

I am enough. Just the way I am.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ellenlandreth
    Oct 20, 2015 @ 19:39:11

    Welcome back!

    Like

    Reply

  2. Emily
    Oct 21, 2015 @ 05:15:59

    Crystal….THANK YOU for being REAL, for being HONEST, Thank for SHARING YOU! Love the images too btw! This sounds quite a lot like my life, except for I have 2 teen sons and my husband is not out of town, but is busy between work & his alcohol recovery program…but yeah, very similar SuperWoman Syndrome going on here too…You are ENOUGH & NOT ALONE!!!

    Like

    Reply

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