The weight yo-yo goes up

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I have a confession to make.

I am gaining weight again.

Last year food was making me sick. By December 2013 I dropped 45 pounds in a few months. I didn’t exercise or change much about my diet. I simply substituted one ingredient for another until I found the foods that were making me sick.

And as long as I ignored my food issue, I was healthier than I’d been in about 7 years.

Last winter I very few Raynaud’s attacks and circulation problems. My arthritis was at a minimum and I didn’t feel every joint as I rolled over in bed at night or got up in the morning.

Then I figured out exactly what was making me sick.

Slowly I started to enjoy food again. It was no longer the enemy or something that I ate to keep myself from losing too much weight.

As I learned tricks, I found new treats to love.

I discovered healthy snacks like goat cheese, Skinny Pop, and Veggie Straws. I learned how bake with my new restrictions. Slowly chocolate cake, ice cream, and frosting reappeared in new forms. Coconut oil may be healthy for you but when mixed with powdered sugar to make frosting it loses its healthy star.

I had lost my weight in a very unhealthy way. I wasn’t trying to lose weight, in fact at the end I was eating more than when I was pregnant simply to slow the drain. Once I got my diet issues figured out, my body is now readjusting.

So over the last few months my weight has been layering itself back on over my body.

The problem:

My diet is fixed, the weight is back, and so are my other health issues. I have daily circulation problems. My toes are almost always cold. My joints ache. There are times it hurts to roll over in bed. At least once a week I have difficulty sleeping due to arthritis pain. Almost every morning I hurt when I get out of bed.

I cannot do things I could last winter with the girls–when I was physically ill on a daily basis. If I was completely honest, I was never healthy.

I traded one illness for another, ignoring the root cause of my problems.

Over the last month I have come to realize I have a big problem with food. When chocolate was making me sick, I didn’t want it. Now that I have found a way to enjoy chocolate cake, I make it at least once a week. And when I have cake, I don’t have just 1 piece, I will sometimes eat 1/4 of the cake.

I make frosting by melting coconut oil and adding powdered sugar until it is light and fluffy. In moderation and on a single piece of cake it would be fine. Right now I have a bowl of frosting in my fridge. I eat it plain when I have a sweet tooth. Tablespoons of sweetened coconut oil is not low calorie.

And so today I am choosing to be very open about my struggle in a very public way because keeping it inside isn’t working. My internal struggle to battle weight is not working. If I don’t stop this now I will gain my last 10 pounds back and be right back where I was.

Changes are coming:

I don’t like change and it is going to be hard. I must adjust my thinking and process things differently. I must make another diet and lifestyle change. I have to get this weight back off. I need to exercise.

I have never counted calories before and I hate the term “portion control”. I couldn’t tell you how many calories were in the simplest things. I don’t know how to balance a diet while watching what I eat. It feels so regimental. It feels driven by rules.

But I already eat by rules. I have a long list of things I cannot eat. When food is making me feel physically ill it is easy to give it up. It is so much harder to give up something that tastes so good.

I stress eat. Whenever we are having a bad week I make a trip to the grocery store, “because we need to have a lazy weekend and just relax a little.” Those trips are not healthy. They are not teaching my daughters healthy habits. I need to come up with new ways to cope with my stress.

It scares me.

I don’t want to give up the food I just rediscovered. It is a comfort but it is making me sick.

And so as I begin this journey, I wanted to share it with you. It is something that I need to do to get healthy. I cannot keep passing illnesses around inside my body, curing one to cause another.

To put it out there in full disclosure: I was 180 pounds. I dropped down to 135 and am back to 170. I am not obese or fat by most people’s standards. I don’t even think of myself as fat.

The problem is, my weight is still causing me health issues.

At 135, I physically felt good. Those 2 months where I was completely healthy, without food issues or arthritis, were amazing. I could do more than I had in 15 years.

And that is why I need to get this under control. I must take charge of my food and deal with the things that make me gain weight, no matter how difficult they are.

I’m hanging on because this is going to be quite the ride.

~Crystal

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